The Week That Was!

I am a bit late in writing about last week. While there were a few interesting shows I watched and reading I did the one that stuck to my mind was a real life story. An encounter with a friend that bothered me a whole lot and left me sad and now unable to write about anything else till I have this off of my chest.

I am considering applying to a job in the government (I am not even sure if I want this job, but I do crazy things sometimes). Unlike private sector jobs you do not just send in your resume with a click of a button. Here you go through the job announcement and write your resume in a such a way it incorporates key words and gets past the software filter and into the hands of an actual human being. I have a friend who has done this quite successfully, so I call her and start talking to her. We discuss this job for a bit and then move on to talk about our kids and families. We went to the same school so there is plenty to talk. She suggested meeting in person as it is easier to do this sitting in front of a computer. While on the phone I heard the unhappy news that she has separated from her husband.

A few days later I drop in at her home. She has brought her mother from India because she was finding it lonely after her kids had recently left for college. The first hour or so we talk about why she had to do it and how it has been extremely difficult etc., She is highly educated so are all members of her family and so is the husband. She is from the Brahmin community; I bring this up because it is relevant to this story. They consider education to be very important. When I was in middle school I more or less was of the idea that grandmothers are illiterate or with just a minimum education, that is how my grandmothers were. Imagine my shock when one of my Brahmin (again in context, does not matter otherwise) classmates suggested that her grandmother helped her with her Math homework. I quote that incident just to convey that the education levels of those families is something that families from my community have just started to attain in this generation. In my case both sets of my grandfathers were educated, that is also highly uncommon, and it is only from my parents' generation that education was really considered important.

So besides the mental torture she was experiencing, which happens when your husband is narcissistic(her definition not mine). I have met this person but have not spent that much time to form an opinion. She also mentioned some of the practices that Brahmins in general are very particular about, like not being allowed to enter the kitchen or cook your own food or even catch from the kitchen tap when you are having your menstrual period. All of this done to spite her and his caste afforded him permission to do so. I was not just merely surprised I was shocked. This is not to say that was the sole reason for their separation.

She was also the one to come here first on a work visa and helped her husband get a GC and eventually citizenship. So this is not someone scared of her shadow kind but quite independent and bold outside of the four walls of the home.

In this day and age and living in the USA and being from some of the most educated background of any groups in India, people blindly following this kind of customs even when their own kids were questioning the rationale for the practice is outrageous. The rule was enforced by her husband with an iron hand with prodding and support from his parents back home. This lady who otherwise holds a very high level position just put up with this practice maybe for fear of violence and her own family members asking her to adjust because society(?!!) will talk bad of her. That bothered me even more. She says she did it to keep peace and also for the sake of her children. In a lot of ways I am angry at not just at her but at circumstances that have made this kind of things just standard. She has the means and the ability to seek help. But did not.

What is the point in education and women advancement and everything else if most of these superstitions are still being followed? Mind you that the husband is not from some backwater or village, grew up in big metropolitan city. She says that when she visited his home the enforcement of these rules were even more rigid.

I know a lot of other communities including mine did have these kind of practices but were slowly dropped to the wayside over the last 30-40 years or so I thought. Women still do not go to the temple on those days but that is personal between their God and them. Did any God come and whisper into somebody's ear that there are not allowed to enter the temple on those days. I certainly would like to know.

Hindu Gods were mostly happy with meat till the advent of the interpretation of Vedas and scriptures to support only vegetarian food to be offered. Vegetarianism came into practice with religions like Buddhism and Jainism which advocated respecting each life. Hinduism around this took hold of these practices to divide and prove superiority of one group over the other. Read this article to understand some of the historical reasons. There is also this custom were the Brahmins will not eat or touch food from anybody else's home. Brahmins consider themselves to be higher and purer(??!!) than others because they are vegetarians. Imagine my shock when some of this custom of not touching and eating food from others outside their caste is still being followed here in the US.

Like this belief there are several other superstitions that people of the that caste still follow and while it is mostly enforced by the women but it is used as a power play by some of the men. I am not particularly shocked that customs like this are still followed by families in India but here?. We look down upon practices by conservative Muslims, Jews, Christians etc., who are written off as uneducated people doing stupid things but how about some of these very customs followed by highly educated people? In my mind there is absolutely no excuse for following some dogma. Moreover why would women be willing to go against the male relatives and condemn the practices of her religion and caste when the women in their own families are the ones who will put them down?

Who is going to talk about this discrimination at home which is very well hidden from public view. They are not discriminated in the work places, they are some of the most successful India women by virtue of being educated. But the astonishing and sad thing is they put up with these kind of practices at home. What do you do to create awareness for these educated but dumb people? Seriously I feel kind of depressed.

In no way am I suggesting that only reasons for her separation were these practices but a combination of being a bad person who hurt the kids and the wife he was also using the protection his religion and caste provided to justify what any decent human being would do.

This kind of caste based discrimination against each other and within one's own is alive and well. Read this article.

People crossing the seven seas have carried on these unsavory practices to the new shores that they have landed on. With the advent of telecommunications enforcing these practices have apparently become even more easier. I have had repeated conversations with my non-Indian colleagues in the workplace that about me not being a vegetarian and being an Indian does not automatically translate to being vegetarian and that the majority of Hindus or Indians are not vegetarian. So there is also a wealth of misinformation.

The majority of Indians who traveled here to the US for jobs were primarily from the Brahmin "vegetarian" community, and to a large extent true even today. These beliefs and customs are firmly entrenched and I bet successfully passed on to the next generation. I thought education and standing on their own feet and having financial independence will make women break out of some of these chains of bondage but unfortunately I have had a rude awakening.

If you ask my philosophy, I suffer no scared cows. If some dogmatic practice for the sake of some God you have never seen is more important than the hurt and feelings of the people who live in the same house as you, I don't want your God or your beliefs.

With sadness....

See you all next week with some pleasant thoughts.

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